Sodomy Seems To Be The Hardest Word - Tomas de Torquemada 1492

No one expects the 15th century's biggest party pooper, Tomas de Torquemada and the Spanish Inquisition.
It’s a tortuous tale of a controversial historical figure, religious persecution, the Catholic Church, heretics, the Dominican Order and the Spanish monarchy.
But I’ve tried to keep it lighthearted.

• What should you do if you see someone wearing fancy clothes on a Sunday?
• How many ways can you denounce your neighbour?
• Is a 'Papal Bull' a type of livestock?
• Was Torquemada a 'grand' inquisitor or was he just 'alright' ?

The answers to these questions ( and some dungeon sound effects) can be found in episode 38 of Rogues Gallery Uncovered - The Podcast of Bad Behaviour in Period Costume.

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Transcript

Valladolid, Spain 1492 

How many more times must I tell you – I’m not a bloody heretic, now will you please stop dislocating my shoulders.
 Like I said, I was visiting my cousin when the inquisition arrived in town so I missed the 30 days of grace. I know that if I’d come forward and confessed during that time, I would just have had to undergo a penance - but I’ve got nothing to admit to.
 Who told you I used to be Jewish? Or did they say I converted from Islam? Was it Mr Alverez?
 He’s never liked me.
 People can say anything to the inquisition just to settle old scores or get back at someone they’re jealous of….Mr Alverez always envied my fine head of hair…I bet it was him….bastard.
 Honestly, I’m not a conversos, my family never converted to Catholicism from another faith. Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand might think that anyone who is not from a long-established catholic line is diluting Spain’s religious and economic purity, but it’s really got nothing to with me.
To be honest I’m not very religious, I think it’s all a load of bollocks…OW.
I wasn’t expecting that……   

DRIP, DRIP, DRIP

Your Grand Inquisitor Thomas de Torquemada’s a bit keen, isn’t he?

He was in here earlier on, in a right old temper. Ranting about how he was the “Hammer of Heritics” and “The Light of Spain” 

He reckons that thanks to him about 200,000 Jews will be expelled from Spain and another 50,000 will get themselves baptised in order to stay- whether they want to or not.

He’s one of your proper itchy cassock and no wanking types isn’t he? - No wonder he’s miserable. 

28 articles he said he introduced in order to root out heretics, 28 things for which they can haul you in here and prod you about like a rag doll.

Do you know they tie chords around your extremities in here so the blood gets cut off and it doesn’t half hurt. 
 “Why are you doing that?” I asked the bloke and he just shrugged; said he wasn’t sure.

He had to check the rules

Apparently if you see someone wearing fancy clothes on a Saturday, you should tell the inquisition,
 Or if they clean their houses on Fridays and light candles before it gets dark
 Or If they eat celery and lettuce during Holy Week,
 And certainly, if they’re saying prayers facing a wall, while bowing back and forth. 
 Is it me, or is that just stupid?
 You’re going to pour water into my mouth until I choke now aren’t you…. bloody marvellous.

DRIP, DRIP, DRIP

I don’t know why you call that “A Water Cure” I certainly don’t feel very invigorated. 
Did you have pull the water soaked cloth out of my oesophagus quite so hard?
Still it’s nice of Torquemada to insist that no more than 8 litres of water be used, no blood should be spilt during torture, and it should never result in death…makes a change from the old days. 
When the Cathars were around it was brutalise and burn first, ask questions later. 

At least these days it’s all done properly, with rules to follow and a surgeon in attendance….” How are you feeling Senor? Shall we carry on racking you or would you like a rest?” 
And everything is written down so there can be no confusion later on. All the same, hardly anyone ever gets acquitted…. funny that.
The trouble is I’m a repeat offender you see, a "relapsos" I got a visit from some government officials when I was a young man, years ago and they asked me if I’d ever engaged in sodomy.
“Well” I told em “of course I bloody have” me and the wife would have been knee deep in brats if we didn’t enjoy that particular avenue. 
I should have kept me mouth though shut cos they hauled me off to prison and the wife had to go into hiding up in the mountains.
The Spanish authorities aren’t big on sodomy. 
Do you know husbands and wives are treated as guilty as each other for indulging and if you are man who prefers the embrace of another man, you are both burnt at the stake – no argument. 
A woman however can do whatever she likes with another woman unless she uses some devise to penetrate her lover – an expertly carved piece of ivory perhaps – then its “fetch the kindling.”
If you are part of the clergy they told me that you get treated more leniently - which made me laugh cos they spend more time doing it than we do.
To be honest I don’t see the problem with getting your jollies however you want providing you’re not hurting anyone. I remember saying as much when they hung me upside down from the ceiling with my prick tied to my neck. 
I was lucky though because I was under twenty-five the last time, we …well you know, so I only got whipped followed by ten years at the oar of a slave galley. Could have been worse, I didn’t see anything but I got to smell lots of interesting places. 

DRIP, DRIP, DRIP

Torquemada is really strict with "relapsos" but I’ll give him his due he’s given me every chance to confess. 

I mean I’ve been denounced by a “Person of Good Character” …. bloody Alverez, so it’s all legal.
I’ve been strangled, half drowned, stretched on a rack and suspended from the ceiling till my joints exploded.  
And I still never said anything.
What makes me laugh is that while Torquemada seems to have a bee in his cowl about sodomites, heretics, blasphemers, and witches he has a real problem with secret Jews.
He confiscates all their money and land if they are so much as accused. The church is making a fortune.
AND HIS GRANDMOTHER WAS JEWISH !!
I called him a hypocritical maniac who needs to live and let live and get himself a whore. 
You should have seen his face.
They put hot irons to me, the first time since 1256 they said but I don’t believe them. Anyway, I thought “Sod It…I’ll say whatever you want” I wish I hadn’t now.

DRIP, DRIP, DRIP

An “Auto de fe” or “Act of Faith” is like a horse fair, loads of people in the town square, a real family atmosphere. 
And it goes on all day. You’ve got the prayers, then the procession of the penitents and the condemned wearing their brightly coloured “sanbenito.”
These are made from yellow sackcloth and usually have images of the person’s crime or their punishment sewn onto them.
Mine has the flames of hell all over it …which is bloody typical.
Then it’s off to a special place outside of town where the stakes are ready to be lit for the big finale.
If you recant your sins at the last minute – which I must admit I’m tempted to do - they might be lenient and gently throttle you before putting you to the torch.
Or – and this depends upon how kindly they are feeling– you may be stood on a bonfire made of fresh, slower burning wood so you choke to death on the smoke before the flames get anywhere close. 

There are 32 of us standing here, and the crowd look like they having a lovely time. There are certainly a lot of people repenting in the audience.
 You know what makes me laugh though? They call this “Relaxing” I’ve never felt less relaxed in my life.
 Can you smell burning?